Actus Tragicus [January 18, 1993]

For ENSEMBLE LOOS — Peter van Bergen [reed instruments], Gerard Bouwhuis [piano], Huib Emmer [bass guitar], Paul Koek [percussion], Patricio Wang [electric guitar and bass guitar]. Sound engineering: Paul Jeukendrup.

I wrote this piece in memory of my father. It is one of those rare cases where I conceived a piece in one go, as if it were a gift from the gods. I had sat by my father’s deathbed for five days, holding his hands at the moment of his death. I walked down the stairs, bumped my head against a little bell that was hanging there, and went for a walk with my wife Annemiek in the garden of the Catshuis, which is located right behind my parental home. What few people know is that this garden is open to the public. It was about six in the morning, and the garden was completely deserted. During that walk, I heard the piece; all I had to do was write it down. Of course, it wasn’t as though every note was already fixed — it was the overall form, the note material, the harmony, rhythms, and above all, the energy or soul of the piece, a complete image.

What I learned from my father’s death is that ‘breathing your last breath’ is not an exhalation, but rather an inhalation. And what I also realized about the dying process is that it’s not something that happens to you; it’s something you do. It is a tragic act. Music, it is often said, can bring us comfort. I think it’s a bit more complex: of course, it can offer solace, but it cannot take away grief and loss. However, it can provide a counterpoint to death. It can stand beside it. Death takes, music gives.

— Bonnemort, October 11, 2024